Dealing With It

   Yes I am a photographer, and although its my passion, it's not my full time job. For the past year I have been on maternity leave from my full time job where I work in an administrative position.  I start back next Monday.

   I do like my job ....BUT I love being home with my son more and I don't think there is anything wrong with admitting that. There are many reasons why I can't be a full time stay at home mom...I think that these days it is really hard for any woman to be able to do that (mostly for financial reasons).

  Its hard, I won't lie. I feel completely beat up inside. I KNOW he will love playing with the other kids and I KNOW that our daycare is a wonderful place (we were so lucky to get in with her) and I KNOW that eventually my feelings will fade, but for now? I am a mess...a complete emotional mess. Its really hard to actually describe how I feel...best I can say is I feel like someone is stealing something from me. When I think about leaving him for 10 hours a day, 5 days a week I get this lump in my throat and I feel like someone knocked the wind out of me and it is so incredibly hard to breathe.

  I have 4 more full days with Noah before I start working again. 4 days. Thats it.

  I make it sound like I will never see him again, and I know thats not the case, but it feels like it a little.
I will work from 8 to 5 and then pick him up and come home and make supper and then bath him and then its pretty much time for him to go to bed...so where is the play time? The cuddles? The fun that we have everyday? THAT'S whats being taken away and that's why I am so upset. I realize he will get playtime at daycare and probably cuddles too...but I don't. I don't get to make him laugh all day, and soothe him when he falls or be there when he wants a hug...I get to sit at a desk in an office somewhere while the babysitter is there for him. And yes, I know i get the weekends with him....but its not the same and I can't pretend that it is.

  I know I sound like a crazy mom but what can I say? I am. I am a crazy mom who is crazy in love with her wonderful and amazing little boy and for that I won't apologize.

  So this is me 'dealing with it'.

  I only hope that this all starts to feel a little easier as I start back to work. It will be a process....probably a long one....so to those who are in my life day to day please be patient with me, that's all I ask.



Remember to LIVE. LOVE. LAUGH. and CAPTURE everything in this life. It's the only one we get.